"And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?"
Seriously, some days I just walk around in a fog. It's not just a sleep deprived one. This life is so surreal. Nobody signs up for this and nothing can prepare you for it. Thank god for the well established routines because many days I am working on auto pilot. I get to the end of my day and realize I have no idea how I got here. How did I mange to pull off another of this up and down life? Cause I am guessing as I go here. A lot. I don't just live in the state of New Jersey. More like a state of disbelief.
"And you may tell yourself This is not my beautiful house!"
I am typing this in a living room with no lamps in it because my son has broken all three that are in it. It's been months and we still haven't replaced them. Part of me even thinks "Why bother? It will just happen again." I joked with a girlfriend yesterday it means we can't have people over at night to entertain but even that's not true. Entertaining people can sometimes be so overwhelming to the kiddo that we often don't even try. The build up to the event itself is an anxiety marathon of scripting. What will happen. Who will be here. He then obsesses on their behaviors and actions and is annoyed that I can't guarantee what car they will drive here or what hat they will wear. It's impossible to clean up after him as he returns everything to all the places I just picked things up from. My order is his out of order. Forget ever throwing out any toy without hell to pay. There's no telling when he'll return to an obsession and I don't really want to be without it at 2AM when he desperately needs it in order to sleep. I live in a home where I go to sleep in one bed and wake up in another and consider it normal if I only had to do that once in the night.
"And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?"
Every day I ask myself this. Every. Damn. Day. We just stopped private OT for various reasons. Was it the right call? Will he regress? Will he be traumatized that he isn't going to get to go anymore? Therapists become our friends now. Not coaches at little leagues or Den leaders at scouts. Am I wrong for stopping an activity that we were kind of certain he had hit a wall? Should I made more sacrifices to try and keep going? Even though we are shelling out so much freaking money as is on therapies on one income. What about these meds he is on or the food that he eats or the amount of sleep he gets or the soap in the bathroom or the very air we breathe. I'm convinced daily I have screwed him up beyond repair. Thanks judgmental Internet trolls who leave comments on my blog or on my facebook page confirming those fears. Appreciate it! Most be exhausting, having to correct the entire web on their choices. However do you manage?
"Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was..."
Yeah, David Byrne really gets me. Gets this this life. I'd like to buy him a side of fries. I can resent my kiddo's rigid need of schedules and routines and yet at the same time I would cut a bitch if someone try to mess with the system. I may not like how our life is sometimes but it doesn't mean I love my kiddo any less. I get tired of the sameness but need it too. I'm just guessing here so much and if something works, well, we're keeping things the same as it ever was. :-)